"When the tears come streaming down your face
'Cause you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?"
I can't believe that I'm writing this post but I felt as if I had to. When you get sick it effects more than just your life. It effects the lives of the people you love and it puts a strain on those relationships. It's not your fault that you have whatever disease or illness that you have but the frustrations that your loved ones have makes you feel as if it is your fault.
I've been here too many times. I suffer from PCOS (Polycystic Ovary Syndrome) and up until recently I had thought I was suffering from Endometriosis. I may have it but my current OBGYN believes that I was misdiagnosed and has diagnosed me with Adenomyosis. Just like endo, there is no cure. Right now they have me jacked up on more hormones than my body can handle and they are making me certifiably insane.
I had a laparoscopy and hysteroscopy a week ago and I have held it together but I am still in excruciating pain every single day. I don't know if it's from the surgery or if the hormones aren't working. All I know is that yet again, my health is ruining my life. The last two people I was with couldn't handle it. One hated hospitals and couldn't bare to see me in the conditions that I was in. The other said that I just had my period and that I was being dramatic, that nothing was wrong with me.
My current partner has been there through thick and thin. He's been at almost every single doctor's appointment. He's been there almost every single time I was in the hospital. He was there when I went in for surgery and was there when I woke up. I am so blessed and fortunate to have him and I'm forever grateful for everything he's done for me.
Unfortunately, it seems impossible to find someone who can cope with a partner who is ill. I feel guilty every single day that I'm sick. I pray every night that God will take it away. I pray that I won't lose the one person who I love more than anything because of it. I pray that it won't affect my ability to be the best mother I can be to my daughter. I pray that the depression that accompanies it doesn't take over me. I keep praying and praying and I still haven't heard or seen an answer. I find myself in engrossed in the most sincere and emotional prayer that I've yet to divulge.
If you're in the same boat as me you probably hate yourself. You probably feel like you're weak and useless. I feel weak every day. I put on a "face" of strength or at least I try to and even then I think I'm weak. I feel as if it's hopeless....that I am hopeless. When you're sick, everything becomes about you whether you want it to be or not. This is the relationship killer. You don't want to be sick. You don't want the world to revolve around you but your illness causes this to happen whether you like it or not. You have no control over it. The only control that you have is to cut people out of your lives so that they don't have to deal with it.
There is nothing more painful than losing people that you love mainly because you are sick. They may tell you not to blame yourself or apologize for being sick but you know deep down that it is your fault. If you weren't sick, everything may not be perfect but it would be a hell of a lot better. I cry myself to sleep almost every night because of the guilt I feel. I feel like I'm a bad girlfriend, a bad mother, a bad employee....a bad everything.
I thought that my recent appointments and procedures would save my life. I may not be physically dying but emotionally, I am. I can feel the world crashing around me and I have no control over it. I want so badly for it to end so that I can have some normalcy in my life. I am not planning on promoting this post on my social media sites because it's beyond painful to write and I honestly can't believe I'm publishing it. If you're reading this, you're subscribed to my website and I trust that you'll keep this to yourselves and that you won't judge me for my weaknesses and emotional state.
I am so grateful for all of you. It's nice to have somewhere to vent. If you're feeling the way that I am feel free to e-mail me directly (firstname.lastname@example.org). You may feel like you're losing everything and you very well may be but you don't have to let it control you completely. You're still in control of yourself whether or not your sick. You're in control of how you live your life. I am in no position to give you a "cupcakes and rainbows" speech about living your life to the fullest but I will end with this....life is short. You don't know when your last day will be. Find people who will love you no matter what. They are a rare breed but they are out there. Love and respect them. Cherish them. Try to keep some distance between them and your health if you can. Don't drag them down with you. God bless all of you.